Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Breaking Dawn Part 2 was SO BAD I am not going to Spoiler Tag‏

The Twilight franchise is like one delicious sandwich wrapped in moldy bread. Part 1 was so bad I am embarrased to own it.* Part 5 was so bad I am going to send the other four to SwapADVD.

I knew it was a bad sign when the opening credits were 2:45 long. It was so tedious and repetitive I started watching the blu-ray player's clock instead of the movie.

Then.Nothing.Happened.

Pictograph this - imagine the movie as one pie. 5% was spent recapping the last movie, then 40% prepping for this "big fight" that happened IN A DREAM FOR 45% OF THE MOVIE!!!

Remember Alice, the vamp who could see the future? She had an hour long vision of the way the movie could have gone that would have been epic. Instead an hour later it rewinds and POOF the fight never happens and everyone GOES HOME

No one dies, big speeches aren't made, no one even needs to get their nails done because nothing happened. Imagine if MLK pondered his "I have a Dream" speech but instead of delivering it he deliverred pizzas.

Oh and in case you were wondering what the other 5% of my pie picture was devoted to? I have more ranting.

In the Twilight-verse all vamps get one random super power. Alice can see the future, Dakota Fanning can hurt people with her mind, some blonde can electrocute people by touching them.

Guess what Bella can do?

She can project montages of previous Twilight movies into someone else's mind.

I'm not kidding. The last part of the movie were she and Edward cuddling in a field NOT SPARKLING and reliving the past five movies - except since nothing much happened in those either so it was a montage of Bella looking clumsily at her feet.

Sigh.

Even vamp-baby was painfully boring. First they cgi'ed her instead of getting a real baby. I don't know why they decided to have a Sim baby when all it did was get carried by a bunch of really pale people. It didn't look like either of her "parents" or the little girl who played the older version so this was a Complete Failure all around.

This movie did not have a single redeeming quality and could have been summarized in a ten minute extension to the previous movie. It did not need to bloat itself up to two hours through Meaningful Glances.

It singlehandedly ruined Twilight forever for me.

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